Success Is Not The Answer

As I stated in my earlier 4-Part Post The Success Illusion, many parents today are knowingly and unknowingly parenting and raising their children to attain success.  While these parents' intentions are good their means and research on the topics are lacking.  

This month at Legacy Dad, I want to help you see the flaws in many modern parenting styles and also show you the research and reason why alternate parenting styles will not only raise better children but also assist in raising children who will not only be successful but live a life of significance and meaning.  

A large number of parents focus a majority of their parenting efforts on grades, sports and achievement.  While this approach is noble and the norm, it is having a profound affect on the next generations of children. 

In Dr. Thomas Stanley's book "The Millionaire Mind", Stanley surveys the households of America's wealthiest families to determine the traits and habits of financially successful people (Millionaires). 

According to Stanley's research the traits and reasons most mentioned by millionaires that lead them to success were:

1. Honesty - Integrity - Character
2. Discipline - Persistence - Long Term Thinking
3. Social Skills - Relationships - Focusing on the needs of others
4. Courage - Tenacity
5. A Healthy Marriage and Supportive Spouse

Also mentioned was their strong religious faith.

Note that grades, type of school attended, age they begin reading, or sports played was not mentioned.  They all involve character development and social skills.  All these skills are primarily learned in the home from parents not in school or church. 

Moving on, Malcolm Gladwell explains in Outliers how success in the 21st century is less about sheer intelligence and more about collaboration (working well with others) and hard work to get to the level of mastery in a topic (which he says typically takes 10,000 hours). 

Annette Lareau's study of Concetrated Cultivation indicates that parents who encourage problem solving, sibling rivalry, reasoning and critical thinking, organization skills and social communications to include interacting with adults and those in authority positions (challenging norms/guided autonomy) actually better equips their children for the real world. 

Finally, Robert Shaw clearly evidences in Epidemic how many modern and popular parenting styles are leaving us with not only narcissistic children but a narcissistic generation as evidenced by Twenge.

So what is the point of all this? 

The main areas that focus and hinge on all of these aforementioned elements is character development, social skills and how we as parents model, interact and impart these skills onto our children. Not only what but how we focus our parenting has the biggest effect on our children.

Many times as parents we focus a majority of our attention on school, sports and achievement while this has no guarantee of future success or our desired outcome fro our children.  Does this mean we don't pay attention to grades or sports?  No, it means that simply grades and sports are not our primary area of focus when parenting.   School and sports are important, what is even more important though is the focus and molding of Character Traits, Social Skills and Faith.

Honesty, Social Skills, Courage, Creativity, Marriage, Faith, Patience, Unselfishness and Servanthood is learned in the home and caught not taught.  

This needs to be our primary areas of focus in order to raise spiritual champions for the future. 

While this post has been dry and full of studies and statistics, the future posts in this area will give us areas and ways to correct the current mistakes in modern parenting and ultimately to re-chart a course for True Significance over success in our children. 

Stay Tuned...

Lance

Grace Based Parenting Video Study Giveaway

Could you use some help on parenting? It might be as easy as pushing a button!

In two weeks, I'm leading a small group study of Grace Based Parenting Part 1.  We have around 9-10 couples participating and it should be interesting.  

Here's a chance to win Part II of this Video Study by simply following the directions below from the Family Matter Blog.

You love your kids.  You feed them, clothe them, give them an education, and fix their broken bones.  But what if there is something more…

Remember when we gave away a Grace Based Parenting Video Study (Part I) to all of you? Well – we’re THRILLED to announce that we just recently released the second part!

This second part of the Grace Based Parenting small group video study will give parents the confidence and skills to raise kids who flourish in their culture by building character for life.

The Grace Based Parenting Video Study (Part II) is a dynamic study ideal for small groups, church classes and individuals.  Regardless of the health and dynamics of a family configuration, Grace Based Parenting works!

And the best news??!!! We want our Family Matters Blog readers to be the first to have a copy of it! We’re giving away a copy of the Grace Based Parenting Video Study (Part II) (a $130 value!) to one lucky FM Blog reader – woohoo!!!

Like all of our giveaways, you have to do a little something…

WIN IT!

Post a comment here telling us which 2 products from our store you would especially love to have.

After completing the above mandatory first entry method, you can gain additional entries by doing any or all of the following (but be sure to leave a different comment for each thing you do!): 1.Follow Family Matters on Twitter 2. “Like” Family Matters on Facebook OR 3. Blog about this contest

Giveaway ends Friday, January 14th at midnight. Winner is chosen randomly and will be announced here as soon as they’ve accepted the prize.

End of the year reflection....time management

As 2010 comes to an end, I find myself looking back and reflecting on what has been and what is to come.  I have never been a believer in New Year's resolutions, but I have made them before in the past.  As I grow older, and hopefully wiser, I look for teachable moments for both myself and for my kids.  For instance, time management is a lifelong gift that we can give our kids and teach them to take stock on such matters that are relevant and things that do not require our time.  Time is a gift from our Creator.  Time is something that does not wait on us, but instead, ticks away the seconds, minutes and hours of everyday and every year.

If we our to take up the task to teach our kids the Legacy of Stewardship:  Purity, Stewarship & Discipleship; we have to teach our kids the stewardship of time.  As my family and I move into 2011 there are some things that we need to take stock of and to see how we can better use our time.  The two top priorities in our everyday lives should be family and work.  These are necessities that are relevant and require most of our time.  Followed by time at church, community and recreation.  As we take inventory we are realizing that there are several things that are "wasters" and completely unnecessary for us to spend time on. 

So let's take a look at some things for my life (Monday through Friday):

    1.  Drive to and from work (2 hours) - action plan - pray, listen to books, meditate on things to do for the day and the week.

    1b. God time (reading books, Bible reading and meditation - 1 hour) this can also include working on men's ministries and legacy time.

    2.  Work (9 hours) - action plan - do my job to its fullest, take a pocket notepad and plan things and tasks to complete throughout the day, the week, the month (try to tackle the harder projects first)

    3. Family Time (from afternoon to bedtime 3 hours) - this includes book reading, homework, family time, games and or videos (after school), dinner and getting ready for bedtime with prayers and more book reading.

    4. Time with Spouse and Task lists (2 hours) - this includes hanging out, tasks (laundry, games, bill paying, finances, spouse time)

    5. Workout (1 hour) - this includes both physical and mental time to prepare body, soul and mind to be conditioned (still a major work in progress)

    6. Sleep (6 hours - hopefully) - body needs rest

Weekend time to schedule

Family time, which includes life's lessons, games, fun and leisure.  Men's Ministries and preparation for teaching and faciliating men's group.  Church and Worship time.  Friend time and dating my wife time.  Small groups and encouraging and serving others.

----

All of this things are important stewarship to the gift of time.  This is something that my wife and I are not taking lightly.  We have been talking and reflecting and taking notes on ways to better steward our time in 2011. 

What does the Bible have to say about time management:  Read Psalms 39:4-5; Colossians 4:5-6 and 1 Peter 4:2.

What are some ways that you and your family best manage time as good stewards?

-Dante

Off Topic: The Next Christians

While driving to my childhood home during the Holidays, I had the chance to listen to Gabe Lyons new book, The Next Christians.  I really enjoyed Lyons first book unChristian and the Next Christians picks up were unChristians left off.    

 The Next Christians explores the changing environment  of Christianity and suggests that modern Christians need to move from cynicism, hypocrisy, and apathy to a more loving, accepting and non-judgemental form of faith.

 Studies indicate the Church no longer occupies the central place of influence it has in the past. Lyons reflects on the demise of the Moral Majority, the rise of the New Atheism, and the shift toward pluralism, postmodernism, and a more generic spirituality in our culture today. 

 Lyons also identifies the distinct groups of Christians today and how they deal with the cultural shift.

Separatists criticise the world and seek to create a Christian Only  sub-culture in which they attempt to keep the world separate from themselves. Thus creating an "Us Versus Them" mentality in the faith.  They tend to be your more vocal, hard liners and protesters withing Christianity. 

Cultural Christians seek to fit in with the world due to criticism by the media, culture and  friends and move more toward a vanilla faith rather than outward expression of their faith.  They tend to live their lives by biblical standards, pray and identify themselves as Christians but may not be actively involved in the Church.  

Restorers however seek to blend the best of both worlds. They stick to their strong Christian roots and the teachings of the Bible but express this by reaching out to the lost world with an un-judgemental hand of love and grace with a striking similarity to Jesus' own ministry while on earth. 

 Lyons identifies six characteristics of Restorers:

• Provoked, not offended
• Creators, not critics
• Called, not employed
• Grounded, not distracted
• In community, not alone
• Counter-cultural, not “relevant”

 Lyons goes more in depth into modern day Restorers who are fighting addiction, modern slavery, and sex-trafficking as well as others who are passionately dedicated to restoration in smaller but equally meaningful ways.

 While this book breathes new life into the younger Christian generation and what we need to do to face the world currently, I am sure it will ruffle the feathers of Hard Lined Christians.  It challenges Christians to embrace the world and work with it rather than condemn and criticise it.  This is easy to say but hard to do, especially in conservative evangelical circles. 

Overall, I think Lyons presented a great treatise on what future Christians will look like both good and bad and he also added many of his references for readers to dig into more in-depth.

 The Next Christians is definitely worth reading or listening to on a commute and while I listed this post as off topic, I am now seeing that this post may in fact be very relevant to how we rasie and prepare our future children to carry the faith and love the world.  

If I can raise my children to love God and express that love through outward expressions of love and grace to the world, I have accomplished my mission.

 - Lance

Give, Serve, Love

Quotes about Giving

“No person was ever honored for what he received. He was honored for what he gave.” – Calvin Coolidge

“The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.”  — Albert Einstein

“Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can.” — John Wesley (1703 – 1791)

“It is possible to give without loving, but it is impossible to love without giving.” -- Richard Braunstein

“He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.” — Lao-Tzu

“If a person gets his attitude toward money straight, it will help straighten out almost every other area in his life.” — Billy Graham

“Remember this—you can’t serve God and Money, but you can serve God with money.” — Selwyn Hughes

“I judge all things only by the price they shall gain in eternity.” — John Wesley (1703-91), English evangelist and founder of Methodism

“As base a thing as money often is, yet it can be transmuted into everlasting treasure. It can be converted into food for the hungry and clothing for the poor. It can keep a missionary actively winning lost men to the light of the gospel and thus transmute itself into heavenly values. Any temporal possession can be turned into everlasting wealth. Whatever is given to Christ is immediately touched with immortality.” — A.W. Tozer (1897-1963), American pastor and writer

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” — Jesus, in Acts 20:35