Just a heads up on a great movie coming out this week. I already have it pre-ordered.
Amazing Grace tells the inspiring story of William Wilberforce and hispassion and perseverance to pass a law ending the slave trade in thelate 18th century. Several friends, including Wilberforce's minister, areformed slave ship captain who penned the beloved hymn Amazing Grace,urge him to see the cause through.
This has been a hectic week and I'm glad I finally get to finish up this discussion on discipline. I think some of you got emailed my notes on this post because it published before I could finish it, sorry for that.
In Part 1, I outlined a true story of a friend of mine and how lack of discipline in childhood led to lack of discipline in adulthood.
In Part 2, we talked about family laws and laying a foundation for discipline as well as the different types of discipline used.
In this final post, I will tie it all together and hopefully lay out the reason why this is so essential and why we use this plan in our family.
One of the main techniques I witness parents use that never works long term is the Bribery and Rewards technique. This is where we bride our children with candy, toys, etc in return for their behavior. I admit at times when I get frustrated I sometimes resort to this approach and I have to catch myself and redirect my parenting. This technique teaches children that they act appropriately only when offered something in return, not a good trait to instill.
One of the best approaches to discipline has nothing to do with discipline at all but rather with rewarding good behavior. This is simply giving praise when a child acts appropriately. Too often we only address a child's behavior when it is negative. Instead, we should praise good behavior openly and publicly. This technique works very well and when used in conjunction with the other forms of discipline, it has marvelous results.
Now on to some of the results.
The whole reason we want to instill discipline in our child is not for appropriate behavior now, but rather for life long success and true greatness later.
I have long studied great leaders, people in the top of their fields and the financially wealthy and all of them have something in common. Self Discipline.
Even Jesus himself was a master of self discipline.
Self Discipline is simply the ability to delay gratification now, in order to receive greater rewards in the future. Every successful person I have met or studied has learned to master this trait.
Truly great and successful people become great by simply doing the things that other people will not, on a consistent basis.
Studying More, Training More, Saving More, Reading More, Developing Relationships More.
Not only that but they also have the ability and self discipline to be long term, advanced decision makers.
I once did financial planning for a deca-millionaire and he accounted for every penny he spent. When I asked him about this, he said that every single decision he makes, he looks at how it will effect him 5,10,15 years from now.
When he was young, instead of spending money on new cars, eating out regularly, or impulsive buying, he saved that money with the goal of one day being financial independent.
One of the most famous studies done illustrating self discipline is the Marshmallow Study. 
The Marshmallow Study, conducted in the 1960’s by Stanford University psychology researcher Michael Mischel, demonstrated how important self-discipline is to lifelong success. He started his longitudinal study by offering a group of 4-year-olds one marshmallow, but told them that if they could wait for him to return after running an errand, they could have two marshmallows. The “errand” took about fifteen to twenty minutes. The theory was that those children who could wait would demonstrate that they had the ability to delay gratification and control impulse.
About fourteen years later, when the children in the experiment graduated from high school, the Marshmallow Study revealed startling differences between the two groups: the children who waited and did not gobble up the single marshmallow, were more positive, self-motivating, persistent in the face of difficulties, and able to delay gratification in pursuit of their goals. They had developed the habits of successful adults. The habits, the centerpiece of which is delayed gratification, point to more thriving marriages, greater career satisfaction which leads to higher incomes, and better health.
The children who did NOT wait were more troubled, stubborn and indecisive, mistrustful, less self-confident. And, they were still unable to delay immediate gratification. Worse yet, these “one marshmallow” kids scored an average of 210 points less on SAT tests. Why? Distraction and the desire for instant gratification got in the way of good, focused study time. If not corrected, lack of impulse control will continue to trip these kids up throughout life, resulting in unsuccessful marriages, low job satisfaction and as a result low income, bad health and all around frustration with life.
"The only quality which sets one man apart from another - the key whichlifts one to every aspiration while others are caught up in the mire ofmediocrity - is not talent, formal education, nor intellectualbrightness - it is SELF DISCIPLINE. With SELF DISCIPLINE, all thingsare possible. Without it, even the simplest goal can seem like theimpossible dream." - Theodore Roosevelt
One of the books on my reading list addresses discipline and goes even further to proclaim that many children today are being raised to become selfish, rude, undisciplined brats. And the sole reason is the parents and there permissive parenting styles.
I found this book in the most unlikely and Un-Christian of places. Berkley, San Fransisco, CA.
Child and family psychiatrist Robert Shaw wrote the book The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee andPermissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children (Heck of a title huh?) after the Columbine shooting incident and wondering "How would you have to raise your kids for themto do this?"
A Great review of this book and some of its findings can be found here. Here is some of the findings I picked out:
Not having firm rules and routines that you administer calmly, fairly,assertively and without guilt or hesitation.
Not conveying to your child - through both actions and words - themoral, ethical, and spiritual values you believe in (or not having moral,ethical, and spiritual values in the first place).
Yelling at and threatening your children. You can be firm and reliablein reinforcing rules without resorting to these tactics. When you lose yourtemper, it says that you have delayed handling an issue until your frustrationand impotence have become overwhelming. You can act firmly right away; youdon't have to wait until you get angry.
In Conclusion, I hope I've given you some tools for the parenting tool belt this week but more importantly, I hope this weeks topic challenges you to further look at your current discipline plan in your own house, the future ramifications of lack of discipline and that you will look deeper into researching this topic and it's importance.
I certainly don't expect people to agree with my discipline plan because it is what works for my family, as parents, we each need to develop our own family rules and discipline plans but more importantly, we need to act on them and enforce them throughout our children's life with us. As we have seen from the findings, it can have Lifelong Legacy results.
Until Next Time...
We continue to delve further into our discussion on Discipline.
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." - Ephesians 6:4 (NASB)
First there must be a foundation of ground rules set. These rules we call our "family laws" must be clear and concise and the children must understand their importance and the consequences of not following them. Here is some examples of our family laws:
Respect - Respect your parents, adults and teachers. Respect others, other peoples property and other peoples feelings, unless you are asked to do something morally wrong.
Obedience - Obey your parents, teachers and other adults in authority positions. Obey all laws.
Honesty - Always tell the truth, even if it may get you in trouble. Never sacrifice your word or Honor.
Be Supportive - Help the family, help your team and help other people and those in need.
Do Unto Others - Do Unto others as you would do unto you. Don't treat anyone or act in a way that you would not want them to treat you.
These are the 5 simple rules to govern our household and violating them can lead to discipline issues. Our children know these rules but more importantly they understand the moral reason why these rules are to be followed.
Any child can be conditioned to act or think in a certain way by adding or removing stimuli, this is simple classical conditioning. The goal in our parenting is not for a child to think or act in this way because Mom or Dad is around and I could be punished. But that they internalize the moral reasons and understand these rules are Life Rules that are applied no matter who is present or not.
I really don't care how well behaved someones kids act in the presence of their parents or in a setting such as church, this is external.
I care how they act when they are alone with their friends, under peer pressure. This is internal.
Hebrews 12:5-6 states:
And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. (NIV)
Discipline in a child's life must have the following elements to be effective:
It must be taken seriously and have consequences the child fears
It must demonstrate love for the child and their well being
It involves many forms including verbal and physical consequences
Physical punishment must include temporary pain. (Pleasure/Pain)
It must produce respect for the rules and those enforcing the rules
We also use varying stages of discipline in our household, these stages include:
Verbal Correction
Withholding Privileges
Natural Consequences
Isolation
Additional Duties or Chores
Spanking (Up to age 10)
I wish their was some sure-fire template to use to instill discipline in our children but that is simply not available. Maybe because God is not only working to discipline our children but he is also working on further disciplining us as parents?
Because there is no sure-fire template, we use a mixture of the above stages and the consequences and their severity always fit the crime.
In recap, we looked at establishing a firm foundation of rules and the moral reason why we have these rules. We looked at some elements of effective discipline and finally the stages we use in discipline.
In our final post this week, we will give some tips on making this plan work and also so evidence of it's effectiveness.
Probably the most searched post of my entire blog is my Spanking 101 post. This post outlines a form of discipline we used with our children at an early age. While this technique proved very effective in our parenting, I never explained why it is essential.
Let me share a true story with you.
I have a friend I'll call Todd. Todd grew up in a Christian middle class home but his parents used a form of discipline in which Todd was never really shown at a young age the moral reasons why some of his actions were wrong. His parents were more concerned with Todd seeing them as his friends rather than his authority figures.
Todd had a normal childhood, played sports, got decent grades but his parents always bailed him out of trouble in school and even a few very minor run ins with the law.
They also ensured that Todd got whatever he wanted. They believed that buying him nice toys, clothes, cars, etc. would "show him love."
Todd grew up, graduated high school and went to college. After our first two years of college, I decided to join the military and went to visit Todd at his college dorms before I left.
Todd was dating a few different girls at the time and his life consisted of drinking lots of alcohol at night and occasionally going to classes.
Todd went on to finally get a degree and started working in the culinary industry. I would often ask about him when I saw other friends and all I heard was that he was drinking a lot and got involved in drugs. Todd got married two years after my wife and I. His marriage lasted less than six months. Then he started working long hours pursuing success in his career. This lead to cocaine use to be able to work longer and start doing endless road shows for his company.
I didn't hear from Todd for 5 years. Then one night he showed up in town and a friend called and told me Todd was in town.
I found him in a local bar, drunk and high on meth. We tried talking to Todd but it seemed none of his old friends could peel through the layers of alcohol and drugs to find him. I heard he went home that night with some random woman at the bar and left town the next day.
I didn't hear about Todd again for three more years. This time, it was that he was selling drugs, had lost a lot of weight and no one, not even his parents could locate him. I have not heard from or about Todd in the past 3 years.
I believe that a lack of discipline and consequence in childhood, leads to a lack of discipline and consequence as an adult.
Without discipline, we lead to laziness.
Psychiatrist Scott Peck says that laziness is behind every single case he has handled as a therapist.
This week we will look at structuring discipline into our children's life so it guides them and develops the habit of living a disciplined life as an adult.
The discipline will instill in our children will lead to healthy, productive, disciplined adults that strive for true greatness rather than success.
I have received numerous emails and warnings about this movie, although I have not seen it, the hype alone has caused me to look into this. Either way, our family usually skips the Harry Potter, Twitches, and other pagan type movies in the first place.
I recommend going and renting Meet The Robinsons, a far better movie with a great plot and lesson.
At any rate, here is the most recent email I received on 'The Golden Compass'
There will be a new children's movie out in December called 'The Golden Compass'. The movie has been described as 'atheism for kids' and is based on the first book of a trilogy entitled 'His Dark Materials' that was written by Phillip Pullman.
Pullman is a militant atheist and secular humanist who despises C. S. Lewis and the 'Chronicles of Narnia'. His motivation for writing this trilogy was specifically to counteract Lewis' symbolism's of Christ that are portrayed in the Narnia series.
Clearly, Pullman's main objective is to bash Christianity and promote atheism. Pullman left little doubt about his intentions when he said in a 2003 interview that 'my books are about killing God.' He has even stated that he wants to 'kill God in the minds of children'. It has been said of Pullman that he is 'the writer the atheists would be praying for, if atheists prayed.'
While 'The Golden Compass' movie itself may seem mild and innocent, the books are a much different story. In the trilogy, a young streetwise girl becomes enmeshed in an epic struggle to ultimately defeat the oppressive forces of a senile God. Another character, an ex-nun, describes Christianity as 'a very powerful and convincing mistake.' In the final book, characters representing Adam and Eve eventually kill God, who at times is called YAHWEH. Each book in the trilogy gets progressively worse regarding Pullman's hatred of Jesus Christ.
'The Golden Compass' is set to premier on December 7, during the Christmas season, and will probably be heavily advertised. Promoters hope that unsuspecting parents will take their children to see the movie, that they will enjoy the movie, and that the children will want the books for Christmas.
Happy Birthday Legacy Dad!!!
Thank you for being such a wonderful and devoted husband and father. We love you so much!!!!!
Love,
Your Family
Another one of the traits that we try to instill in our children is poise. Poise not only in social situations and at meal times but also in everyday life. Again, parents are the modelers of this trait.
The other day I asked my daughter 5 times to brush her teeth and 4 times to get ready for bed, yet she still was messing around, playing and not listening to me. In our home this is a spanking offense for disobedience to parents.
I told my daughter to go to her room and wait for a spanking. I was angry which is never a good time to spank a child so instead I went in her room and talked with her.
I strived for grace and poise.
I told my daughter that she was normally very obedient and this was unusual of her. I explained that her actions was showing disrespect to me and asked her if something was wrong that was causing her to act this way.
Next came the tears, she began to explain to me that she has been having some problems in school with Math. "All the other kids can do it so easily and it's so hard for me." I listened intently as my little sweetheart told me of her struggles in second grade math.
Next, I explained that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and listed some of the areas she was superior in. I also told her that her Legacy Dad, Super Hero Extroadinare failed college algebra the first time because I was so terrible in Math.
This produced a laugh and a smile.
The point to this story:
This was a special moment when my daughter shared with me her intimate world and her personal struggles. If I would have went through with my original plan, I would have missed it and my daughter would have probably stuffed these struggles down for another day.
There is always two sides to every coin and many ways to handle situations in our lives.
Being a Type A person, it's often hard for me to execute poise but I hope that this example and the many more I strive to illustrate for my kids will overflow into their lives and instill in them as a character trait to emulate.