The Legacy Dad Stages of Child/Parenthood

I was in search of two things: An authentic, Biblical parenting philosophy and a parenting philosophy that had a proven track record of producing children who become Spiritual Champions as adults. The reports that 50-70% of Evangelical Youth are leaving the church after high school send some red flags that our safety-conscious, academic achievement-focused, self-esteem-promoting, parenting philosophies are currently not working.I was searching for a philosophy that created a close bond with my children, while instilling Christian values and other life skills that matured their trust and faith in God. Quite often, we are focusing on the wrong fundamental areas or using incorrect methodology in order to raise children who grow up to follow Christ and reach the lost.  What we should be asking ourselves about the above statistic is what are the other 30% doing differently than you and I?

I wanted my children to grow up to become mature and experienced in the following areas:

Faith - Trust In God Morals and Values Leadership and Accountability Relationships and Ultimately MarriageOutward Oriented - Selflessness

Biblically, we call this Spiritual Maturity or Discipleship but I was confused on how to accomplish this as a parent and I needed a plan. I also wanted a process that was easy to integrate into our family - a road-map if you will - to follow and track my parenting process along the way.  I wanted my children to have benchmarks, rights of passage, to live and experience their values that would culminate in an adulthood ceremony, where my children were recognized and congratulated on their progress and reassured they were ready for the world.

I started by reading a bunch of books, both Christian and Non-Christian (Pediatricians, Child Psychologists and some of the most popular parenting programs out there).  Each one had its own unique area but nothing all-inclusive and many had no research or proven track records.  Plus, their was a lack of congruence between many of the best selling parenting books and popular programs. Many focused more on making parents lives easier but were not the best for our children's development.

Often popular parenting books and philosophies focus heavily on reforming behavior, controlling our children's environment, or even manipulating our children to comply or obey.  While this seems popular with the Over Protective Parenting Crowd – I wanted to raise children who make the right decision out of obedience and love for God and no matter what environment they find themselves in.  I don't want to raise children who are merely obedient to my rules and boundaries but children who learn and grow to have a change of heart, a heart for Christ and who bear Fruit of the Spirit.

So I decided to pray, conduct my own research, and come up with a unique Christian road map that met my goals yet was practical and Biblical. I called it Legacy Dad because I realized the eternal importance of my parenting process and that many of my parenting efforts (good and bad) would not materialize until years down the road.

This "Road Map" is a work in progress that I've refined over the past 10 years as my children went from toddlers to teenagers.

Legacy Dad is a program to mentor and guide your children (and you as parents) from birth to adulthood.  Legacy Dad researches the top methods and programs for attaining this type of mentorship and puts them into a personal, customizable parenting package to fit your individual parenting needs and style.

This is a fluid plan that is constantly being refined based on trial and error and these are actual examples of concepts we have used with our own children. With all these examples and suggestions, we are always thinking about grace and moderation not parenting to extremes. The concept is to teach these principles to your child by setting the example as the parent. Children will not learn without their parent’s example. Actions not words. Plus, these concepts must be reinforced during impromptu moments and situations that can arise at any time. There are many times each day that we find ourselves in situations to teach and model these traits to our children. You cannot cram these ideas on weekends or vacations. It takes daily interaction.

The ultimate goal of Legacy Dad is to create this in ourchildren:

Security in their Hearts

Significance in their lives

Strength for the future

Essential Life Skills

Spiritual Morals as a Compass

The Foundation of Legacy Dad is Grace Based Parenting.

Grace Based Parenting:

• Accepts Children regardless of their merit
• Serves Children's needs without a sense of obligation
• Motivates children to a higher holiness without condemnation

The following process outlines specific ages, goals and resources to use as a parent during this process.  These meet the two criteria (Biblical and Proven)

Phase I

Birth to 5 Years – Cognitive Development

Goals – Secure attachment to parents, Secure Love, Learning through Play, Empathy for others, Boundaries/Discipline

Baby Dedication/Infant Baptism

Blessing Your Child - Dr. John Trent - Strong Families.com

Introduction to Church/Biblical Living – Church Attendance, Sunday School

Family Traditions – Begin annual family rituals – A week at a lake cabin, sponsoring a needy family at Christmas, Thanksgiving Day Blessings – The idea is to create family rituals that you do every year and thus creates security and memories.

Family Night - Once a week, have a dedicated family night for movies, games, sharing, etc.

Grace – Grace Based Parenting Small Group I - Create and maintain an atmosphere of grace, focus on meeting your children's three inner needs.  Start teaching love, acceptance and grace during play, school, friends, sports. – This is learned through action not words.

Phase II

5-12 Years – Elementary Years

Character Traits – Place Character traits as your top parenting priority (Integrity, Truthfulness, Love, Acceptance, Courage, and Selflessness)

Grace Based Parenting Small Group II – Build Character into their heart

Sex/Body - The Story of Me, Before I Was Born, What's The Big Deal

Your Child's Uniqueness/Spiritual Gifts/Creativity - The Kids-Flag-Page from Family Matter Ministry

Family Night - Once a week, have a dedicated family night for movies, games, sharing, etc.

Money/Charity – Financial Peace Junior – Dave Ramsey - Weekly and Impromptu Giving, At age 12, give your children a checking account to manage and learn budgeting, savings and charity.

Boundaries – Curfew, Phones and Media

Teamwork - Team Sports and Activities, Sportsmanship, Selflessness, Determination, Perseverance (Don’t let your child quit or miss practices unnecessarily. Also, don't allow them to give only a mediocre effort)

Evangelism – Teach your child to uphold their values/beliefs around others, Invite friends to Church/Youth Group, Having friends over during meal times (Prayer)

Dating – Father/Daughter Dates/Dances - Mother/Son Dates/Dances – Explain and show your children how to act and treat the opposite sex, make it a memorable event. (Some schools, churches sponsor these events)

Age 10 – Allowing freedom of choice - clothes (modesty) hair styles, friends, activities. = Grace.  You are allowing your children to learn discernment and make mature choices from an early age.

Responsibility - Start giving your child more responsibility in multiple areas without overwhelming them.  When they struggle, let them fail and or accept natural consequences of not being responsible - missing homework, forgetting items, not meeting deadlines, etc.

As your child gets older, the amount of control by parents needs to loosen as the child learns and begins to make their own decisions and ultimately mistakes (natural consequences).  They will learn decision making and Biblical worldview with your support, mentorship and guidance and the help of other adults, pastors, grandparents in their lives.  It's better for your children to make mistakes and learn while they are still in your home than when they are in their 20's and the consequences become more severe.  

Rite of passage -13-16 – Young Adult

As your child enters these ages, friends and social life will start becoming more and more important.  Many parents choose to disengage and allow friends to take the place of the family.  DO NOT let this happen!!  Keeping trying to engage (It’s not always easy) send them texts, tweets, Facebook messages, etc.  Continue to talk with them and be a part of their lives. Meet their friends, dates, teachers, coaches, etc.  Do not be discouraged.

Grace Based Parenting III – Aiming Your Child At True Greatness

Becoming a Young Adult – Teach Responsibility, Cooking, Cleaning, Housework, Employment

Father & Son Journey's Together - Take your son to Men's Events, Conferences, Weekend Retreats

Passport2Purity Weekend For Girls/Moms – Curriculum – Weekend at Resort, Cabin, Hotel

Family Night  - Once a week, have a dedicated family night for movies, games, sharing, etc.

Dating – Insist on meeting your children’s dates and making your children meet the parents of their dates. –Interviewing Your Daughters Date - For Daughters. Fathers talk to son’s about purity, responsibility and respecting boundaries.  What He Must Be For My Daughter - For Your Sons

Money - Generation Change –Dave Ramsey - Their own checking account, employment, paying for their own items and recreation.

Trust in God – Teaching your teens to trust the Lord for problems, challenges in life. Teach Prayer in times of struggle and in decision making, Help them overcoming a fear together (Roller Coaster, Bungee Jumping, Etc.)

Evangelism – Explore Training (LifeReady) , Family Missions Trips, (e3 Missions)  Volunteering at your Church – Teaching younger kids or volunteering for a short term project.

Lance also added the following steps at this age:

Specific books to read developed for each child and their uniqueness and challenges that spark conversation and reinforce the core teachings.A Journal kept by your children to record this journey and their thoughts.An End of Phase Real World Test - Facing Your Fears, Serving Others, Leadership

Age 16-18 – Preparing For Life/College

This stage is where your child is starting to take their own path in Life.  As parents, we need to support them but also influence and guide them subtly. Being too overbearing could cause your child to rebel.

(*Note -This area has less than the others because we have not finished this age group yet with our children.)

Manhood/Womanhood Ceremony– Age 16 – A significant event marking your son/daughters transition into adulthood.  Give them a special gift or family heirloom, Partner with Men’s/Women’s Ministry, Coaches, Grandparents, etc.  – See Raising A Modern Day Knight and Raising A Modern Day Princess  for more in depth info.

Family Night  - Once a week, have a dedicated family night for movies, games, sharing, etc.

Evangelism – Mission trips with youth group or peers, volunteering at church, teaching younger kids in church.

Intimate talks about college, options, marriage, dating.

Marriage Preparation - 

College Bound  - Senior Year HS – College Ready Small Group Curriculum from Life Ready

We are also developing resources for College and Beyond as well as specifics for Special Needs Children, Autism, Single Parents, etc.  - Please Check back for updates.

The ultimate goal of Legacy Dad is to create this in our children: 

Security in their Hearts

Significance in their lives

Strength for the future

Essential Life Skills

Spiritual morals as a Compass

Grace Based Parenting

Written by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Raising children in today’s world is much like putting together apuzzle. You labor for years to put the right pieces of your children’slives together, but when they grow up, they often do not resemble whatyou thought you were creating.

In spite of the disappointments that come with the job, raisingchildren is the greatest thing you will ever do. Parenting is greaterthan any milestone you can hit in your career. Among other things, youhave been handed a piece of history in advance — a love letter to atime you will not see — and you play the biggest role in how thathistory will ultimately be recorded. That is why, regardless of thechallenges, you need to have a plan for parenting that works.

Wrong Maps
If you are running blind through territory you have nevertraveled, you are only as good as the map you are depending on. Whenyou look at the way some parents raise their children and the way someexperts advise them, it is no wonder that many parents feel they havelost their way.

Some typical parenting methodologies in the Christian communityfollow. Remember, these are all types so they are a bit exaggerated tomake a point. All of these approaches are missing God’s grace as theircentral motivating factor.

1. Fear-based parenting. These parents’ fearsdetermine their strategy for parenting. These parents live in fear andare overprotective of their children. Biblically speaking, theseparents live out of balance with the concept of being in the world butnot of the world by withdrawing. These parents are encouraged to bewary of everything.
Fear-based parenting can create spiritually anemic children. It alsocan create an environment for children who do not have passion for lostpeople, who are indifferent and fearful, and who rebel.

2. Evangelical behavior modification. This is abranch of fear-based parenting that assumes the proper environment,proper information, proper education, and the absence of negativeinfluences will increase the chances of a child turning out well.

This parenting plan works from the assumptions that behavior shapesa child’s heart, as if content can be transferred onto a child’s heartmuch like information placed on a computer hard drive.

The behavior modeled by these families paints a beautiful picture ofan ideal Christian home, but it is one-dimensional. These are homeswhere God rules in the head but that does not necessarily translateinto God ruling the heart.

3. Image-control parenting. This is a checklistmethod of parenting that is part of the seduction of legalism.Image-control parenting assumes that people will know you are a goodChristian parent raising Christian children by your church attendance,the way your children dress (or do not dress), the way your childrencut their hair (or do not cut their hair), the words and expressionsyour children use (or do not use), the schools your children attend (ordo not attend), and the movies your children watch (or do not watch).

The problem with this form of parenting is not in the things theseparents either do or do not do. For the most part, these arewell-meaning parents trying to make good choices. However, they makechoices for wrong reasons. Doing good things for wrong reasonsconsistently brings unfavorable results. Children can tell when theyare being parented by a checklist rather than by a mom and dad who aretrusting in God to lead them.

4. High-control parenting. There is a vastdifference between parents who keep their children under control andparents who control them. High-control parenting happens when parentsleverage the strength of their personality or position against thechildren’s weaknesses in order to get them to meet the parent’s selfishagenda.

High-control parenting is the worst of the four types of parentingmethodologies. High-control parents ultimately get frustrated with theresults of their parenting. However, they are usually the last torealize.

Radical Parenting
There is good news! There is a method of parenting that makesit easier and enjoyable to put together the puzzle of parenting. It hasthe borders and boundaries that frame the picture. It filters out thepieces of the puzzle that do not belong, and it knows exactly what yourchildren are supposed to look like when the assembly of the puzzle iscomplete.

The box cover is in the Bible, and this model for parenting can be summarized in one word: grace!

A Grace-Based Family
Grace-based parents spend their time entrusting themselves toChrist. Their children are the daily recipients of the grace theseparents are enjoying from God. If you are watching them in action,these parents appear to be peaceful and in love with God. They areespecially graceful when their children are hardest to love. Theiradvice to their children is a mixture of the two following ideas:
• “You are a gift from God. Go make a difference!”
• “You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you are forgiven.”

These parents feel they need to seek God more every day. Onecharacteristic that stands out is how grateful they are for what theyhave and what they can do for their children.

Grace-based parents process their day-to-day life with a confidencethat comes from knowing God loves them. One of the most importantcharacteristics of grace-based families is they are not afraid. Theyare especially unafraid of the evil around them.

A grace-based environment changes the way children view theirparents and the choices their parents make on their behalf. It alsogives their children a more attractive look at their parents’ faith.Parents who operate by grace instead of a checklist or conventionalwisdom are easier for their children to trust. When your children’slives are falling apart, they are more inclined to turn to you.

Grace-based parents have a keen awareness of their own propensitytoward sin. This makes the grace and forgiveness they received fromChrist more appreciated. It stirs them to love others and accomplishgood deeds. They are not driven by guilt or a need to do penance. Theydo not judge people who are struggling. They see themselves in thesepeople and understand just how much of God’s love they have received.They are more inclined to love these people and care for the needs intheir lives.

God’s Pattern of Grace
The primary word that defines how God deals with His childrenis “grace.” Grace does not exclude obedience, respect, boundaries, ordiscipline — it champions them. But it determines the climate in whichthese important parts of parenting are carried out. Grace-basedparenting maintains a realistic attitude about the sinful nature with acompassionate desire to help children rise above it and flourish in theplan God has for them.

Parents who are giving grace to their children are not shocked whentheir children sin. They are not even caught off guard when theirchildren make mistakes. Grace understands that everyone sins, includingchildren.

Dr. Tim Kimmel and his wife, Darcy, are thefounders of Family Matters™. Committed to equipping families for everyage and stage of life, Tim is one of America’s top advocates speakingfor the family today. Tim has hosted his own nationally syndicatedradio program, speaks throughout the country, and enjoys life with hiswife, his four children, and his growing number of grandchildren.

Updated Barna Group Study

Christianity No Longer Looks Like Jesus

By

Audrey Barrick

Christian Post Reporter

Tue, Sep. 25 2007 11:19 AM  ET

Young Americans today are more skeptical and resistant toChristianity than were people of the same age just a decade ago, says anew study.

Negative perceptions toward the Christianfaith have outweighed the positive as a growing percentage of youngerAmericans associate with a faith outside Christianity.

Only 16percent of non-Christians aged 16 to 29 years old said they have a"good impression" of Christianity, according to a report releasedMonday by The Barna Group. A decade ago, the vast majority of Americansoutside the Christian faith, including young people, felt favorablytoward Christianity’s role in society,

Young people have an evenlesser positive impression of evangelicals. Only 3 percent of 16- to29-year-olds who are not of the Christian faith express favorable viewsof evangelicals. In the previous generation, 25 percent of young peoplehad positive associations toward evangelicals.

"[Evangelicals]have always been viewed with skepticism in the broader culture," saidthe Barna report. "However, those negative views are crystallizing andintensifying among young non-Christians."

Common negativeperceptions among non-Christians is that present-day Christianity isjudgmental (87 percent), hypocritical (85 percent), old-fashioned (78percent), and too involved in politics (75 percent).

For the mostpart, Christians are aware of the greater degree of criticism towardChristianity. According to the study, 91 percent of the nation'sevangelicals believe that "Americans are becoming more hostile andnegative toward Christianity."

Half of senior pastors say that"ministry is more difficult than ever before because people areincreasingly hostile and negative toward Christianity."

Therewere also some widely held favorable perceptions toward Christianityincluding beliefs that Christianity teaches the same basic ideas asother religions (82 percent), has good values and principles (76percent), is friendly (71 percent), and is a faith they respect (55percent).

Criticism, however, was not limited to young peopleoutside the Christian faith. Half of young churchgoers said theyperceive Christianity to be judgmental, hypocritical and too political.Also, one-third said it was old-fashioned and out of touch with reality.

Moreover,the study showed a new image attached to the Christian faith that isgrowing in prominence over the last decade. Overall, 91 percent ofyoung non-Christians and 80 percent of young churchgoers saypresent-day Christianity is "anti-homosexual."

"As the researchprobed this perception, non-Christians and Christians explained thatbeyond their recognition that Christians oppose homosexuality, theybelieve that Christians show excessive contempt and unloving attitudestowards gays and lesbians," the Barna report stated.

YoungChristians largely criticize the church, saying it has madehomosexuality a "bigger sin" than anything else and that the church hasnot helped them apply the biblical teaching on homosexuality to theirfriendships with gays and lesbians.

Among other commonimpressions, 23 percent of young non-Christians said "Christianity ischanged from what it used to be" and "Christianity in today's societyno longer looks like Jesus." Young born-again Christians were just aslikely to say the same (22 percent).

"That’s where the term'unChristian' came from," said David Kinnaman, president of The BarnaGroup who presents the findings in his new book unChristian."Young people are very candid. In our interviews, we kept encounteringyoung people – both those inside the church and outside of it - whosaid that something was broken in the present-day expression ofChristianity. Their perceptions about Christianity were not alwaysaccurate, but what surprised me was not only the severity of theirfrustration with Christians, but also how frequently young born againChristians expressed some of the very same comments as youngnon-Christians."

Research further revealed that those outside ofChristian faith have had significant experience with Christians andChristian churches. On average, young non-Christians said they havefive friends who are Christians; more than four out of five haveattended a Christian church for a period of at least six months in thepast; and half have previously considered becoming a Christian.

"Oldergenerations more easily dismiss the criticism of those who areoutsiders," Kinnaman said. "But we discovered that young leaders andyoung Christians are more aware of and concerned about the views ofoutsiders, because they are more likely to interact closely with suchpeople. Their life is more deeply affected by the negative image ofChristianity. For them, what Christianity looks like from an outsider’sperspective has greater relevance, because outsiders are more likely tobe schoolmates, colleagues, and friends."

The declining reputation of Christianity correlates with shifting faith allegiances of Americans, the study pointed out.

Eachnew generation has a larger share of people who are not Christians,which includes atheists, agnostics, people with no faith orientation orpeople associated with another faith). Among adults over the age of 40,only about one-quarter associate with a non-Christian faith compared to40 percent of 16- to 29-year-olds.

"This is not a passing fadwherein young people will become 'more Christian' as they grow up,"according to the report. "While Christianity remains the typicalexperience and most common faith in America, a fundamentalrecalibration is occurring within the spiritual allegiance of America’supcoming generations."

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